My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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