well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
