Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
