I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize