hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
