Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize