I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
