My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
