just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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