We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dicks are not precious.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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