It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
