Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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