Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
