it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
