Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
