why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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