Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
