I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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