Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
