True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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