tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
