There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
