I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
