You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
