every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
