I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
