i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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