Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
