I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
