get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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