How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
