Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize