remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
