my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He better not be in your backpack
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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