I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
