i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
