Apparently you make a good broom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
