I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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