I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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