We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Randomize
