So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize