tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I've blown a few things in my day
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize