Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
