Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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