Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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