Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
