I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
