The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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