I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
