His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
