You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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