yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
