my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
