Umm I'm too high to move.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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