when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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