The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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