I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
