god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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