i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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