I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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