If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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