Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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