i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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